The Captain
by PrewettSong
Summary: Jack's perspective on his conversation with the Doctor about why he can't die, and his reaction upon learning he was not only left behind but actively avoided. And how the Doctor tries to make amends.


The pounding of his feet on the metal floors and desperate breaths filling his lungs were no match for the noise in his head. Here he was, running again with the Doctor as if they'd never stopped, as if he wasn't left for dead and forgotten on Satellite 5 after everything they'd shared together. Here he was, ready to throw himself at Death and mock It at the whim of his former friend.

The Doctor wasn't affected by his accusation of abandonment earlier, and Jack was able to hold in his resentment for a while. It was more important to know about Rose, and then not to scare Martha with his reality of traveling with the Time Lord. But now they were off and about to be alone, and with the Doctor seeming only to see the usefulness of his condition, Jack was feeling he deserved some real answers.

They reach the radiation flooded chamber and the Doctor sends the supervisor to safety as Jack starts shedding layers. The Doctor looked incredulously at him.

"What're you doing that for? The professor said the Stett radiation doesn't affect clothing, only flesh."

"I look good, though!"

It won't make a difference but removing his heavy trench coat and button-up make him feel better about entering the boiling hot coupling chamber. Next time the Doctor wants to face deadly amounts of radiation, he can wear as many layers as he likes, Jack thinks irritably. Before he opens the door to the room no one else could effectively enter, he turns his head to look the Doctor in the eyes.

"How long have you known?"

"Ever since I ran away from you."

Jack feels tears behind his eyes, and he throws himself into the chamber before he does something drastic like cry or smack him. He burns himself on the door as he closes it behind him, and a curse slips from his lips. He can feel the heat from the rocket and the radiation disintegrating him at the same rate he heals himself, and the searing pain of the endless yet ineffective incineration makes him gasp. Jack steels himself as best he can, focusing on the voice beyond the door.

"And when did you first realize?"

The Doctor's voice is muffled and distant through the glass. Jack struggles with the couplings as his body loses and regains shape in such rapid succession, he doesn't know that the change is visible; the agony of the process is undeniable. But he's making progress, and he responds in a voice strained and tight from the massive effort.

"Earth, 1892. Got in a fight on Ellis Island, guy shot me in the heart. Then I woke up. Thought it was kinda strange. And then it never stopped. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, starvation, World War I, World War II, poison, stray javelin – "

The Doctor whistles out a sympathetic sigh.

"In the end, I got the message," Jack grits the words through his teeth as he struggles with his work. "I'm the man who can never die. And all that time you knew."

"That's why I left you behind."

The blatant admission somehow hurts more than the radiation. The words slice through his hope that maybe he just didn't know, maybe it was just coincidence that they'd never run into each other after all those years. It breaks his heart. Jack sniffs, and tears spring to his eyes but they evaporate before they even reach his cheeks. The Doctor continues, not seeming to notice his reaction.

"It's not easy, even just- just _looking_ at you Jack. 'Cause you're wrong."

"Thanks," Jack chokes out bitterly, his voice tight with grief and massive effort. He turns his face downward in an attempt to keep his hurt hidden from the man he considered a friend. Well, used too. Now he wasn't so sure.

"You are, I can't help it." The clueless prick goes on about his biology, as if that's any way to justify what he did. He carries on for a bit, and Jack hears bits and pieces about fixed points, the TARDIS hating him, how he was never supposed to exist like this.

But he _does_ exist, and there's no way for him to stop, and what is he supposed to do know that the Doctor has nothing helpful to say. He tries to brush it off with a witty comment, exchanges some mindless banter before trying to get some answers out of the stupid alien.

"Last thing I remember, when I was mortal, I was facing down three Daleks. Death by extermination. Then I came back to life. What happened?" He can hear the hurt and confusion in his own voice, can't keep it hidden any longer.

"Rose."

Rose Tyler. It's hard to believe she could be more special. Jack's heart swells with pride for one of his best friends, then he realizes.

"I thought you sent her home," he says accusingly. Of all the things the Doctor was capable of, Jack couldn't believe he'd let Rose stay and face the Daleks.

"She came back. Opened the heart of the TARDIS and looked into the Time Vortex itself."

"What does that _mean_ exactly?" Jack can't keep the harsh edge off his voice. He's working too hard and he's too upset by what's happened to him, whatever happened to Rose, and honestly the Doctor doesn't deserve to be protected from the bitterness Jack feels towards him.

He learns that Rose practically obtained the powers of a god, used it to bring the TARDIS back to Satellite 5 and save the Doctor from certain death and bring Jack back from beyond the veil. But she didn't have full control; she made him immortal. He doesn't feel any animosity towards her – she acted out of love for them both, and he can't help but appreciate it.

"Can she change me back?" Hope creeps in. He knows the possibility is slight, but he can't help it. It feels like his heart breaks all over again when he hears she's gone for good. He feels bad for the Doctor, he obviously still has feelings for her, but when he tries to carry on their conversation the words won't leave his lips.

The waves of grief and anger he's been able to control until this point break free, and with a dry sob and burst of frantic energy he drives the coupling into place. There's only one left, but he doesn't know if he can make it. His mind, body, and soul have been torn apart, and all he wants to do is wrap himself in his long coat and sleep the whole thing off. But he moves slowly to the last coupling and painfully punches in the access code.

The intense pain of even existing in this room is overwhelming him now, and with no hope for assistance or a normal future, Jack wishes he could disintegrate. For awhile he wasn't sure if he really wanted to die permanently, but in this moment, he would give anything to. The people he considered his closest friends are gone, one trapped in a parallel universe and the other may as well be for the good he was doing to Jack's conscience.

"Jack? Jack?" The Doctor's concerned voice worms it's way into his head, and Jack throws a pained glare at the small window that his face peeks through.

"What?" he hisses miserably. God, what he wouldn't give to have literally anyone else but him here right now.

"How's it going in there, you've been quiet for a bit now and it seems like you're struggling?"

"Oh, I'm thriving Doc, I'll have a solid tan by the time I get out of here." His voice is angry and sarcastic. "Just trying make sure it's all even before I get out of here."

"Jack-" the Doctor starts, but Jack cut him off.

"Actually, I've got something I want to say to you." He throws up the cover with a clank and throws his anger into lifting the final coupling. "Doctor, I _waited _for you. And I've waited a long damn time, and thought it was worth it, because you're the only thing in this universe that could begin to understand what I'm going through. And to come here and find out that not only did you abandon me, but you also had no intention of seeing me again at all? You never once thought about what that could do to me?"

"I- I-" the Doctor stutters, but he doesn't get a chance to finish.

"Obviously not." Jack voice is harsh, and he finally releases the coupling into position. He continues his rant as he starts towards the door. "For a long time now, I've thought I had some friends out there waiting for me, and now I find that one is gone forever, and I'll never be able to see her again." He opens the door and wastes no time getting in the Doctor's face. His voice drips with disappointment and disgust. "And the other one, Doc, is a man who left me behind on an empty space station, with no explanation, and no goodbye. So, from the bottom of my cold, undead heart – screw you, Doctor."

The Doctor's eyes are wide, mouth slightly agape, and he seems so small in the face of his tirade. Jack turns away with a sniff as tears collect behind his eyes, and quietly folds himself into his button-up. The Doctor clears his throat behind him.

"We, uh, better stabilize things down here so they're ready to take off," he mumbles. He doesn't address what Jack's said.

The Doctor radios the crew onboard the rocket, then begins running around flipping switches and pressing buttons to ensure everything's ready to go. Jack stays out of his way, taking a few moments to stop the tears now flowing freely down his cheeks.

They hear Martha's shouts as she comes flying down the metal corridor, and the news she brings sends their world spinning.

It's a long while before they talk about the words they shared that day. They just don't have the time. They've been in a rush ever since the end of the universe, and it feels like a lifetime has passed since that day. Several of them, in Jack's case. The Master's curiosity and twisted humor resulted in some truly horrifying experiences, ones that Jack can only hope to forget in the future. With any luck, he'll make the next few lives so extraordinary that his recent deaths will get lost in their chaos.

Martha's gone now, ready to let go of the Doctor and his lifestyle in favor of taking care of her family. Lord knows they'll need her after everything they've been through. Now it's just him and the Doctor, on their way back to Cardiff to get Jack back to Torchwood and to let the TARDIS feed off the Rift for a bit after her ordeal.

They don't speak at first. Jack leans against the guardrail leading to the doors as the Doctor makes his way around the console, adjusting the controls as they transport to Cardiff. His movements are more subdued than usual; rather than flying around the console in a blur of limbs and wild hair, his steps are slow and purposeful as he guides them to their destination.

The TARDIS lands with a groaning thump, and Jack pushes himself off the railing and brings his hand to a casual salute in the Doctor's direction.

"Well Doc, as always it's been quite the adventure." He goes to walk out the door when the Doctor clears his throat.

"Y'know Jack, I was actually wondering if I could make you a cuppa before y' head out?" Jack turns to see he's got a hand resting sheepishly on the back of his neck, nervously playing with the fringe of his hair. "Only if you're willing, of course," the Doctor adds quickly. Jack gives him a small smile.

"Tea sounds great Doctor. Lead the way."

He follows his lanky figure down one of the hallways branching off the console room, and after a short time they enter an open door on the right and wind up in a small but not unpleasant kitchen. The Doctor sets about prepping the kettle and two mugs. Once the water is heating on the stove, he turns to face Jack and leans his wiry frame against the counter, crossing his arms across his chest as he does so. There's a short silence between them, when the only noises to be heard are the water steadily rising in temperature and the quiet creaks of the TARDIS as she feeds off the Rift.

"I'm sorry, Jack." The Doctor speaks first, unable to raise his eyes to meet Jack's own. Jack shrugs as nonchalantly as he can.

"You know none of that was your fault, Doc. You couldn't have known there was another Time Lord out there, and sure as hell couldn't have expected him to do what he did. I'm sorry he was such a bastard."

"I'm sorry about what happened on Satellite 5." Jack is surprised. So much so that he doesn't respond right away. The teapot begins to whistle, and the Doctor turns to tend to their tea as he continues.

"I've had a lot of time on my hands recently, thanks to the Master," Jack huffs a breath through his nose and shakes his head. "And I found myself thinking about you, Jack. And your whole, er, undying situation. Sugar?"

"What?"

"In your tea?" The Doctor gestures to a glass bowl filled with sugar cubes, as he scoops a good few of them into his own mug.

"Oh. Yeah, I'll take two, thanks."

The Doctor plops a couple cubes in the second mug and brings the steaming cups to the small table to take a seat across from Jack. Jack wraps his hands around its comforting warmth as the Doctor takes a sip of his own and draws back hastily.

"Damn, that's quite hot still." Jack chuckles and blows a cooling breath across his own mug. The Doctor clears his throat awkwardly, seeming to find it easier to meet Jack's eyes now that they're in closer quarters.

"I'm sorry I ran away from you. And I'm sorry for being so callous when you found me. It's still hard, what with you being all," he makes a small gesture with his hand towards Jack, "all, uh, fixed-pointy now." Jack can't help but laugh at his ridiculous terminology, and the Doctor gives him a toothy smile. "Oi, I'm trying to be heartfelt over here."

"Sorry, sorry. Carry on," Jack grins.

"Anyways," he drawls, "I can't fix it for you, I'm afraid. And I can't un-run away from you." The Doctor takes a deep breath, inhaling the steam wafting from his mug before he continues.

"But I know how hard it is. I know what it's like to be so old, to see so much, to live for so long. And it may not be exactly the same, but I know what it's like to die and come back again. I'm afraid it's not much consolation, but, if you ever want someone to talk to about it," he slides Martha's phone out of his pocket and sets it on the table between them. "You can contact me here," he taps the phone with his finger, "and I'll come find you."

Jack's eyes tear up a little. It's hard to forgive what the Doctor did to him all those years ago. But he's trying to make it hurt less, make his endless days a little less lonely, and for that he's forever grateful.

"Thanks, Doc. I really appreciate that."

After that, their conversation turns to Jack's past, and to the adventures the Doctor has had in those times on his own. There are jokes, and they laugh together, and they sip their tea until the sun goes down outside. It's a weird old life, but it's one they can share with each other for a long time to come. And at that small table, in a small kitchen, in a small blue box that's far too big on the inside, the cracks in their friendship start to mend.


End file.
